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1 year ago
A friend’s response to my lofty plan to quit my job in June, travel the West Coast in July, and move to CO in August…
That’s the dumbest thing I have ever heard. Who wants to move to a landlocked state in the first place?? The whole place is crawling with baby boomers which means everyone there is old balls and you will never get married and likely die alone. Sure you can cruise DILFS till your hearts content but that will leave you feeling empty inside.
You start babysitting while you job hunt. You get hired by a nice family with 2 children and a new puppy named Muttonchops! She is an architect. He is a successful agricultural lawyer. They spend their spare time teaching little Ellie the guitar and cooking elaborate meals based around seitan. They’re so perfect that you go home and cry into your muesli every night, overcome with jealousy and sadness.
…He keeps looking at you. Looking at you when you’re playing with the children and smiling. Always finding a way to brush past you close enough to make you quiver. He wants you. Loves you. You know it. NO ONE can convince you otherwise. Your heart knows the truth.
So one day you come home and KILL the Mrs. and cut her face off and wear it as your own. Now it’s YOUR turn to have the perfect life with your perfect man!
Now you’re in maximum security wearing a bright orange jumpsuit (Which totally brings out the bags under your eyes…by the way) living out your days with a frumpy girlfriend named Marge who is serving 10-20 for killing a man while she was hooking on Route 66 back in ’94. IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT???? IS IT????? Notes
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